Getting Personal

So far, my entries have been pretty much about what I observe and do at work, but not how I feel. I have thought quite a bit about this post, and whether or not I was comfortable posting it, but I think that if this is about providing myself (and others) with an accurate account of my first job, than it is important to include. Please be sensitive as you read, because this is about as personal and private as I get.

On most days, my job is not only discouraging; it is the perfect birth control (as if I need it). I see women in labor, women with difficult, scary pregnancies, and women dealing with the dramas of a new baby. None of these things make me anxious to have any of my own. I am just fine not having kids any time soon. Normally.

Today, I was in MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine Clinic). The regular MFM schedule allowed for many first trimester screens (and congratulations), hospital visits, and prenatal clinic visits. That is a lot of happy pregnant (or recently delivered) women. On top of that, Melissa Zahnd (the APN) is 16 weeks pregnant and just started telling people at work. Everyone was screaming and jumping around and talking baby names, and hugging, and I was not a huge fan of any of it. As the day progressed, I got to feeling more and more…depressed, lonely, sad, whatever. I felt like everyone in the world is pregnant except for me, and it is not even on the distant radar for me. I had to sit and listen to Dr. Shepard telling Melissa that it’s about time she has kids because she’s getting old (at 30). I had to listen to Rachelle (a nurse on L&D) say that while teen pregnancy sucks, “eighteen-year-olds can push because they were made to have babies”. I had to get asked (3 TIMES) “do you have kids?” “Did you have a baby here?” “How old are your kids?” etc.

I don’t want to be a single mother. I want the perfect little nuclear mom-dad-baby family. At this point, it would be selfish of me to have a baby in any other circumstance. I don’t want to do that to my child. I don’t want to raise a child on my own emotionally or financially. Partially I think I want a baby right now because I am lonely and it would fill a void. Which is one (of many reasons) why it would be wrong to do so. Not to mention the lack of a baby-daddy. And partially it’s because my good firend Liz’s due date is so close and I am reminded daily that my friends are having kids and moving on with their lives, and I’m standing still. Alone.

I have said for many many years that I believe I was put on this earth to be a nurse. More so, I believe I was put here to be a mother. I think I could be really good at it. It is a huge responsibility, and not one that I take lightly, but one that I am excited to do. Being a parent is scary. I get that that. I also get that I’m not getting any younger. I know that 25 isn’t old, but each impending birthday feels like another year closer to that time-bomb in the biological clock. UGH. It's hard being single when you are surrounded by babies.

Lucky for me, the MFM clinic day only happens once, and I never have to do it again. Tomorrow it's back to Antepartum patients on the floor, and my 3 month evaluation with my boss!